The Wawa Parking Lot: Americana Ninja Warrior

Only the strong survive to get a hoagie

Obligatory “go Birds” and “Ring the Bell” to start the post - I am going to be New York sports trash till I die, but I live in a Philly suburb, the teams are fun, my friends here are obviously fans, and what, I'm gonna cheer for the Astros in the postseason? Absolutely not. I'll keep Dancing on My Own.

Moving on while remaining regional: Wawa chaos.

This isn't Sheetz vs Wawa discourse. I live (laugh love) closer to Wawas and they are therefore my favorite. I have been into a Sheetz once and liked it very much! But they are far away from me and absence makes the heart replace you.

This is also specifically for Wawa locations that also sell gasoline. I know the other kinds exist, but they either don't have a parking lot because they are in a city, or they have a civil parking lot, which doesn't require any additional skills. I've only ever been to one of these and I wasn't driving and I got a hoagie and got back in the car and was driven away.

No, the ones I'm talking about here are the ones that look like the specifics of a grandmasters’ chess match. Or a battle plan of Gettysburg. Or a whole bunch of eels dropped on a sheet of paper. “Ew,” you say. I hear you but that's it, sorry, go eels.

Let me paint you a picture: you know those gas stations on the Jersey Turnpike where everyone is in a neat and orderly line for a specific pump in one direction? This is the opposite. You've got probably 4 to 6 individual stands, each with 4 pumps, several with diesel and several with some kind of ethanol/efficiency/extra-special fuel mixture that I ignore because my car is 16 years old. Each of those? People can come in from anywhere, in any direction, stop at either pump [author's note: if you don't pull through to the next pump you're the reason American test scores are dropping and why they discontinued the Snack Wrap at McDonald's, we live in a society, pull through] and then be there for who knows how long. Some folks go in and pay with cash, and I get that, but some people will pull up next to a pump, get out, go do their Wawa shopping, and then come back and use a card at the pump. Who raised you.

To summarize the fuel, people can come in from anywhere, go to anywhere, park wherever, stay there for who knows how long, and sometimes people are trucks. I realize trucks need gas but they are very big and I and my sedan are but small can you please get gasoline away from me please. Even leaving the pump can be scary, since everyone is rushing around to get a spot and walking across the parking lot and someone wants to be where you are and it might be a truck.

Because I have manners, I fuel my car and then go park to go inside. Because I am a coward, I never park in the spots close to the front door. I want to be able to reverse out of my spot in 5 minutes.

Because the lots for the Wawa building itself? Somehow more nuts. There's a little half circle around the front that has spots, including of course the handicapped access spots. There are also parking spaces on the perimeter of the parking lot, the cowards’ spaces, which is where I park, because I am terrified of hitting a man and his 24 oz dark roast and 2 for $3 Sizzlis and starting a riot. The people who park in that half circle are braver than the troops and firefighters combined. They've never feared a consequence. They act first and ask questions later. They're probably a few moving violations deep in the lower courts, but they are efficient as hell.

I park on the perimeter, because you not only have to dodge people when parking, you have to dodge other cars! And there is no consistent direction they can come from! It's like reversing your car into a swarm of bees! The only real strategy is to slowly inch out until it is clear that your car is trying to be in a space that is not the parking space, and hope that other cars recognize this, and hope another Wawa patron doesn't try to play chicken with your rear bumper. Do you have a backup camera? Don't rely on it. Dark have been my screens of late. Hoagies are quick, and they're invisible. Go Shorties, it's your birthday.

But. BUT. Do you know what the ultimate test is? Philadelphia Ninja Warrior? That's right, it's the Free Air post.

Would you like to put air in your tires? Of course you would! You're me, about 4.5 years ago, learning how to do this because you're in your 30s and dear God how did you only just learn? My embarrassing inadequacies aside, the machines at Wawa work really well, and are pretty hard to screw up (I would know, I am a screw-up), and all you gotta know is your designed (ideal? aspirational?) tire pressure. Find it out, you'll feel better. Then steel yourself.

There are usually two machines, each with a spot, and if those are empty? Park your little heart out, stretch that weird, tough, spiral landline tube of air into your tires, panic because you cannot unscrew the cap from one of the valves, grab a napkin from your glove compartment, try again, fail, let out a sob, try again, succeed, fill tire, why is the low pressure light still on, why, oh my GOD-

That situation? Easy! You have a clear allocated space and a good bit of space to work with. Are there cars already using both machines? Maybe okay, especially if you're the only one hanging out perpendicular to those spots so you can snag one.

Is there a line? Oh no. Oh dear. This is the worst. This is a situation that calls for little number tags at a deli counter but there are no tags, there is only aggression and entitlement. You see this sometimes before the November and December holidays when people travel. Cars will line up, sort of, but only two of them, probably. Everyone else circles the spots like the hyenas around Scar at the end of the Lion King. There's only really space on one side, usually, and definitely if there is only one machine, so sometimes people will try to like, merge into the line somehow? That's not merging, that's cutsies! You are not following the rules! And now you've angered several Hyundai Sonatas and at least one RAM truck and I'm scared! And because I'm scared, I will let several of the cutsies cars go ahead of me, because what if they try to fight with me? What if they got a bagel Sizzli? The toasted edges of those things can be sharp. No, I will inch up to the free air that is no longer free, as I am paying for it with stress minutes off my life. I am so scared all of the time.

Gotta hava Wawa/meltdown.